Lost

I'm starting to lose faith and every belief i hold close to my heart.

When i was young, i wanted to be a teacher. I was inspired by my kindergarden teachers. They were all super friendly, caring and nice. They were also sensitive to out feelings and pay close attention to our behaviours.

When i was young, i wanted to be a fashion designer because i love drawing. I've always thought that my drawings are nice, until i saw better ones. I got inferior and the vibes just bring me down and i haven't been drawing since Primary School.

When i was young, i wanted to be a chef. I've imagine the scenes of me cooking for my loved ones many times. They would then smile at me, compliment my food and everyone would just sit around and talk. Not catch-up but seeing one another every day. It's just a blissful scene and a lucky life to cook for loved ones.

When i was growing up, i have many friends who are in need of help. They cry for help silently. I was determined to make them feel better. I was determined to find 'cure' for them and so, i was inspired to become a Psychologist. Some of my friends think that i would never ever make it. I'm not cut to be someone like that. Maybe they were right. I was convinced that they were right about me. When i applied for Early Admission Exercise (EAE), my first 2 choices were Diploma in Psychology at TP and NP. I was shortlisted for the interview but i wasn't selected. That, might be a wake up call for me to come around and get over my unrealistic dream or goal.

When Grandma passed away in 2015, there was a moment i wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to find out all cures for all illnesses that cause people pain, make them suffer. I want to make the world better, with less sufferings. Maybe if i was a doctor, i might be just be able to something about Grandma or Emily who left us on the operation table.

Right now, i've got accepted into the course of my interest. I'm deteremined to make the best out of it. To be social worker. But now, i'm not too sure about it. I'm losing my beliefs of a social worker.

When people say that it's a job that don't pay well, i say: i like to help people, so i don't mind and i work for my passion.

When people say it's a job that's quite hard to handle because of your clients. I don't know what to say because i haven't even started learning about this course.

An incident recently makes me want to cry and regret everything. I trusted her, which was why it's such a horrible feeling to know what she had done. I seek help but none was given. I reached out but no one was there.

I'm having second thoughts about my life.

What do i live for??

Who do i live for??

Why do i live for??

I'm at loss of what to do.

I've no talents in Arts and Music. I don't think i'm a business person. Neither am i an engineering person.

I thought i've had my life planned out so smoothly. Out of all my friends and family, i think i was the quickest one to have set my life goals and things to be achieved. I was the quickest one who knew what i wanted to be.

But now, i don't know.

I just hope, all is well.

But i'm thankful for who i am, what i have and everything. 💙

And
I just hope, i won't forget why i started.

--

Thanks y'all, for reading. Either you hear me out or you listen. There's a difference.

It's 2.40 A.M.

Goodnight,

Eileen x