Gib Nicht Auf

Hey y'all lovely souls, please pardon me for any grammatical errors or sentence structures as i haven't been blogging often. The title of the post is ''Gib Nicht Auf' which means 'Don't give up' in German. If there are any German friends reading this, correct me if i'm wrong because i got it from Google Translate.

English translation of part of a German song: Gib Nicht Auf

"Do me a favor, don't give up;
Even if you're thinking now,
That you'll never get out of this jam.
Even if it's sometimes hard,
and you think life makes no sense,
See that the sun still rises again!!"

You guys can go look up for that song if you would like to. I don't know German well, neither do i listen to German songs, i do think this song has very meaningful lyrics.

If y'all still remembered what i mentioned in the previous blog post, i did say that i felt lost, at that point in time. I did a lot of thinking these few days or lately for weeks, some things do happen for a reason. Sometimes, more than just a reason.

There are times when you feel like you can't fit in to your friends' conversation because you don't know what to say. That's me most of the times. I find it hard to express my thoughts or feelings in real life. This makes me wanna keep quiet and be silent because sometimes it's just hard to get my point across. Indeed, occasionally, i feel like people don't understand or that they don't wanna understand. This lead to me being quiet and keeping silent. I don't want to ruin the mood or anything. I myself agree that i am a keyboard warrior. People who know me in reality, could or might be able to tell the difference. I think i 'speak' better online than in real life. 

If you, who are reading this now, feels the same, don't worry, we are all in this together. We are humans, we are not robots. We are allowed to be different and be flawed. We gotta accept the fact that there's nothing called PERFECTION. Being imperfect is a form of flawed perfection as well. But then again, what really is perfection??

There are happenings in our lives that we often use our eyes to see and use our minds to perceive. We hardly use our hearts to feel. We are actually missing out on life, on living in this beautiful world. We are missing out the chance of communicating with one another. We are forgetting the simplest thing to do - talk/communicate/feel.

Don't you think so??

How often do you talk to your parents while using your mobile devices?? Almost all the time.

How often do you walk while using your electronics devices?? Most of the time.

How often do you really sit down with a group of friends and just talk without looking or touching your handphones?? NONE.

Maybe it's time we reflect on our actions and start doing something. Are we humans or are we robots?? Do you wanna humanize the society or do you wanna be humanized by your devices??

There are certain things in life we can't do much about. We can't change the fact that it happened. We won't always find out the reason why it happened. We won't always get what we want. And we got to accept and live with it. I was so used to blaming myself for every negative shits that happened in my life. Till some point in time, there was really nothing i could do to undo what has already happened. 

Instead of asking and blaming yourself with questions like: 

"If only i had..."

"Maybe i should have..."

"It was all my fault..."

You could actually do something about it. Find out the problem and solve it. What do you hope to take away from the self-blaming?? What do you expect to happen when you say all these nasty comments about yourself?? What do you really want??

If you have a conflict with someone, talk things out. Indeed, it's not easy and it takes one to muster a lot of courage to do so. But, you never know what the outcome would be if you don't try. It doesn't hurt to try. Maybe you are afraid of what lies ahead. Maybe you're afraid of the uncertain. Just do it. Just try. Just go.

Confrontation face-to-face is quite tough and things could spiral out of control. But, that's where communication comes in and play a vital role. Conflicts happen when there's no communications. At least that's what i think. Find the root cause and aid it.

If you have a crush on someone, say it. You never know when's your next chance. (Trust me, at this point in time when i'm typing this, i'm guilty as charged. I'll never have the courage to confess because i fear rejections, i fear that my insecurities would be in my way, i fear things go wrong, i fear friendships would be ruin, i fear of so many things i can't quite put my finger to it.) So believe me when i say i know how it feels. People might tell you to man up and confess. Easier said than done. Been there. Done that. 

Confession seems like an easy thing to do but it really isn't. For those who attempted and succeeded, i applaud your courageous act in pursuing something you want. For those who attempted but failed, you are not alone. Don't get discouraged by it. They always say: good things come to those who wait. For those who dare not to try, it's really okay. You can take your time, No one is gonna force you to do something that you don't feel comfortable in.

There was so much going on these past few weeks and i had a mental breakdown. It was hard to cope. But i pulled through. 

I'm the kind of person who just needs time to process and think through all by myself. Maybe sometimes people could give me advice. However, if i feel like whatever you're telling me isn't helping with my situation at all, there's a high chance that i'll shut you out and distant away from you for awhile. I think time is quite important to me. I need time. Alone time. To think about life, to think about school, to think about my friendships, to think about my family, to think about shits that might happen etc etc.

We all fear the uncertainties that's coming our way. When it happens, we just gotta take the hit and brace through. It might be tough, just press on a little longer. Not everything is smooth-sailing. As we grow, we will realise that some things are just not worth crying over or dwelling upon.

By the way, this post is not scripted or edited at all (LEGIT). I don't always plan what i wanna blog about, it just happens and depends on my mood or thoughts at the point in time. It varies from time to time.

Sorry if this was quite a lengthy post but hope y'all enjoyed reading. Please pardon my English, grammars and vocabulary. I got C6 for English so yeah, HAHAHAHA i know i suck at this.

Hope you all have a brighter day and start it right by doing something positive. Or you can just smile. The first thing you do when you wake up, just SMILE. Things will get better eventually.

P.S. i'm trying new styles of greeting y'all and signing off. HAHAHHA!!

Till next time folks!!

e.w.

Lost

I'm starting to lose faith and every belief i hold close to my heart.

When i was young, i wanted to be a teacher. I was inspired by my kindergarden teachers. They were all super friendly, caring and nice. They were also sensitive to out feelings and pay close attention to our behaviours.

When i was young, i wanted to be a fashion designer because i love drawing. I've always thought that my drawings are nice, until i saw better ones. I got inferior and the vibes just bring me down and i haven't been drawing since Primary School.

When i was young, i wanted to be a chef. I've imagine the scenes of me cooking for my loved ones many times. They would then smile at me, compliment my food and everyone would just sit around and talk. Not catch-up but seeing one another every day. It's just a blissful scene and a lucky life to cook for loved ones.

When i was growing up, i have many friends who are in need of help. They cry for help silently. I was determined to make them feel better. I was determined to find 'cure' for them and so, i was inspired to become a Psychologist. Some of my friends think that i would never ever make it. I'm not cut to be someone like that. Maybe they were right. I was convinced that they were right about me. When i applied for Early Admission Exercise (EAE), my first 2 choices were Diploma in Psychology at TP and NP. I was shortlisted for the interview but i wasn't selected. That, might be a wake up call for me to come around and get over my unrealistic dream or goal.

When Grandma passed away in 2015, there was a moment i wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to find out all cures for all illnesses that cause people pain, make them suffer. I want to make the world better, with less sufferings. Maybe if i was a doctor, i might be just be able to something about Grandma or Emily who left us on the operation table.

Right now, i've got accepted into the course of my interest. I'm deteremined to make the best out of it. To be social worker. But now, i'm not too sure about it. I'm losing my beliefs of a social worker.

When people say that it's a job that don't pay well, i say: i like to help people, so i don't mind and i work for my passion.

When people say it's a job that's quite hard to handle because of your clients. I don't know what to say because i haven't even started learning about this course.

An incident recently makes me want to cry and regret everything. I trusted her, which was why it's such a horrible feeling to know what she had done. I seek help but none was given. I reached out but no one was there.

I'm having second thoughts about my life.

What do i live for??

Who do i live for??

Why do i live for??

I'm at loss of what to do.

I've no talents in Arts and Music. I don't think i'm a business person. Neither am i an engineering person.

I thought i've had my life planned out so smoothly. Out of all my friends and family, i think i was the quickest one to have set my life goals and things to be achieved. I was the quickest one who knew what i wanted to be.

But now, i don't know.

I just hope, all is well.

But i'm thankful for who i am, what i have and everything. 💙

And
I just hope, i won't forget why i started.

--

Thanks y'all, for reading. Either you hear me out or you listen. There's a difference.

It's 2.40 A.M.

Goodnight,

Eileen x

Gone.

Hey y'all, felt like blogging at 1 a.m. so here it is:

2015, was a horrible year.

I started it with a great Sec 3 camp & in between, my great grandmother passed on.

Right after the camp, i was hospitalised for 10 days and had a surgery.

Meanwhile, grandma was hospitalised in and out since 2014.

I was then discharged a few days before Feb.

I went back to school and then missed school again.

Because grandma passed on suddenly on 9 Feb 2015.

I lost her forever.

I missed out school so much i couldn't catch up.

June 2015, whole family went for a short getaway to Malaysia.

Grandpa was happy during the trip but not happy enough.

That's a clear point to everyone.

And I wish everyone can always be this harmony and at peace, no matter what happens.

But, 2015 ended pretty well because i was given a chance to go to Cambodia in Nov.

I've met many beautiful souls over there.

They've been through so much, yet they don't complain. And we do.

We are so much more privileged than they are.

We have so much more to offer but they, gave us something we could never return.

Love. Passion. Innocence. Purity. Contentment. Satisfaction. Selfless.

Broken roofs. Floors full of holes. No fan. No lights. No whiteboard. No computers.

We gave them sweet bread and they only took a few bites because they wanna bring back home to share with their family & siblings.

It was a meaningful trip.

In Dec, my family (just 4 of us) brought grandpa to Taiwan.

He loved it.

I missed that place too.

Food. Weather. Hotties. Goods. Everything.

*p.s. i'm still harbouring the thought of seeing my BAES*

-

2016, O Level year. Great!!

School was great. Friends are awesome. Prom was amazing.

Results ain't desired but okay lah.

However, leaving school was a sad thing.

Most of my friends, or should i say ALL of my close friends go to Junior College while I, am going to Poly.

*

Side note, my family (as usual, 4 of us) as well as grandpa and my aunt's family (3 of them), we went to Hong Kong!!

Ocean park was awesome as i took The Flash - its is a 360° turn kind of ride. I'll attach photos here!!

It looks scary but it was thrilling!!

Overall, 2016 was just getting me back on track.

Oh and, i didn't mention that in 2016,

1. I WENT TO BIG BANG'S CONCERT (I MENTIONED THIS IN PREVIOUS BLOG POSTS)

* SO DISAPPOINTED BC TAEYANG DIDN'T STRIP BUT HE DID EARLIER THAT YEAR FOR HIS OWN RISE CONCERT ._. *

2. I WENT TO SPEXIAL'S FANMEET!! YAAAAASSSS!! Friends should know how i fan-girl over them!!

* but simon left the group this year ('17) f--k this shit :< *

-

Hello 2017,

So far so good.

I've met TONS of nice people.

At work and at school.

But i'm an awkward potato.

*heh, some people might doubt that bc they're starting to see my only-friends-are-allowed-to-see-this-sight of my character.*

I wonder what happens when it comes to the day to say our last goodbyes.

Oh wells, we'll see to it when it comes.

Meanwhile, just enjoy and live in the moment i guess.

Oh, and just a lil confession:

I REALLY LOVE CHOCOLATES.
CHOCOLATE MAKES PEOPLE HAPPY.

'        '
\___/

With that, i hope everyone can stay happy.
I hope that all is well.
I hope that everything's good.

Like i said, it's a bad day, not a bad life.

Everyone is allowed to have a bad day.

Bless y'all beautiful people. I mean it.

Eileen x

Inexplicable (莫名)

Everyone always thought that the one getting scolded, getting hurt, getting abandoned and getting dumped are victims, are hurting.

What about the ones inflicting the pain??

What about the ones who caused all these??

That person is hurting too.

Worse still, that person isn't allowed to even express he or herself.

Don't you feel the same way??

-

人们常认为受伤害的往往是被害者。

可你们从没想过，加害者也很痛苦。

更糟的是，加害者没有权利表现出自己受创的感受。

你们能体会到吗??

-

With that, i wish everyone can live blissfully and freely every day.

Whether you're still schooling or working, stay strong and fight on for your dreams.

Because at the end, it's only a bad day, not a bad life.

Everyone is allowed to have a bad day.

I'm grateful for the existence of y'all.

And i'm thankful to be alive.

明天会更好!!

'      '
\__/

Eileen x

Mandopop

Hello all, back at blogging for awhile. Today's post is in Chinese so i'm not sure if some of you understands or not. Do pardon me but this is a chorus of a popular mandopop by Eric Chou 周兴哲 a Taiwanese male singer. I'm blogging this because every word is so relatable right now. Other than that, all the best to those who are still having exams (like me!¡)

《以后别做朋友 - 周兴哲》

以后别做朋友 朋友不能牵手
想爱你的冲动 我只能笑着带过
最好的朋友 有些梦 不能说出口
就不用承担 会失去你的心痛

http://youtu.be/Ew4VvF0DPMc

xx EILEEN

Poème

After all, what is a person, if not that which his past moulds him??

After all, what is a person, if not that which his pain strengthens him??

After all, we are humans that err and divines that forgive.

Till then, what are you??

------------------------------------------

xx EILEEN

The "One"

A big HELLO to all my readers out there. First of all, i would like to apologise for not being able to blog consistently and please do forgive me. I know it has been almost a year since i last blogged.

Alright, so lets get started with " The 'One' " as stated at the top. What comes to your mind when you see The 'One' ?? I'm going to take a bold move and suggest this:
"Obviously you're talking about a person of the opposite gender whom you like or who likes you."

Well, it's not that kind of relationship. Basically, it's just friendship. If You're seeing this after i blogged it, You'll probably think that You know who i'm writing about but let's not make assumptions, shall we??

So, friends, best friends, close friends or best still, the label: more than friends but less than a couple ; what came to your mind when you see these words?? Or rather, who came to your mind when these words appear before you on your screen?? I supposed everyone have had or have these kind of friends. I supposed everyone dislike/hate unsaid goodbyes, things left off awkwardly, broke things off in a not-so-civil way or those kind that said feelings just ran out.

Well, i'm not going to tell you that it doesn't hurt to be left behind, by someone who gives you so much to remember and someone you never want to forget. Because it does. It hurts. It hurts a lot. Moreover, when this/these important someone/people leaves you for good and you know that it's impossible to patch back, you'll probably find yourself in a struggle to pick your broken pieces up, all by yourself. The memories you once had with the person/people, just come back to haunt you.

You break down every night, wishing things could become better or even wished that things hadn't come to that stage. I guess i took it hard, when one of my most important close friend left. I know i was being unreasonable, or not being sensitive to him but he once replied that "I'm sorry i got close with other people." Thus, i was the one who left behind. I hadn't known how he felt when he decided to just forget about the friendship we had or when I called things off.

Friends around him and friends around me, maybe most of them would be on his side. Maybe i was the one with the issues. Those nights, he kept apologising, "I'm sorry i..." & "Maybe we..."

His action of leaving surprised me but that wasn't the reason i was heartbroken and devastated. * indeed, the word heartbroken may mislead y'all thinking I HAD A CRUSH ON HIM but I DO NOT, I REPEAT, I DO NOT LIKE HIM IN THAT SENSE. *

He said something like: Maybe we shouldn't have started this friendship.

I understand people come and go, nobody stays forever. Even people age and die. Even memories fade. Even flowers that just bloom, wilt and die. Every single human i meet in different stages of my life, i treat them equally, with the same respect, care and concern. As long as we're considered as aquintances, schoolmates, classmates, friends, best friends or close friends, i would wish you 'Happy Birthday'. I would text you if i know that you're sad, or if you need someone to talk to. I would sacrifice my time if you need me to be present, physically, with you at some place to talk. I would care for you if you're sick. I would take down notes and homework for you. I would do anything, as long as it's within my capability.

For you, i would.

He made me feel redundant. He made me feel that all my heart and soul and trust was misplaced. The first time we talked was that night when we reached Singapore. The first time we ever went out together, if i'm not wrong, was to his Aunt's office. We had a study date together, along with a friend. The first time i had laid my hands on a guitar was at his aunt's office. The first time i had bought a guitar because i want to practice and learn the chords he taught me. The first time we went out alone was when he needed me. We talked everyday since that flight landed. We text in school. We see each other on bus almost everyday. We called each other names. We would sit at the benches, trying to study in the morning. He would buy me chocolates and stuff. I would write encouraging notes. We would argue because of how his friends view us as an item. We would sit together at Starbucks to study. He would tell me all about cars.

As i'm typing this, guess what. The memories flowed back as i recalled about him and the things we do. Fun; memorable; awkward; this friendship was just like that.

Maybe we both gave each other something to remember, a lesson learnt and a chance of growing up. Maybe we both gave each other a piece of ourselves that we hold deeply to, and in return, we hurt ourselves. Maybe we both don't deserve each other. Maybe, it was at the wrong time to meet the wrong person. Maybe.

So what if things go wrong?? So what if you give the wrong pieces of yourself to someone who don't deserve it?? It'd okay. It's perfectly okay. You just grow and mature from it. It's just a lesson learnt that will benefit you. We need to learn to let go, let go of what hurts. We need to learn to accept what has happened and move on. Life has so much expectancy on us. Why stop at the moment and never move on, to greater heights?? Why let someone affect you this much??

Before i really got to know about the real him, i was better off without him. Now, i'm just awoken from the dream and it's time to face the reality. We're all back to square one. It's time to let go, accept and move on.

Am i:
Heartbroken?? Yes.
Sad?? Yes.
Angry?? Maybe.
Confused?? Yes.
Hate him?? No.

I'm trying to stay positive and happy. And less awkward when i see him. I'm trying to lead my life. I'm improving daily, even though at times the memories come back and pull me down again. It doesn't matter. I guess it doesn't matter to me anymore because i'm able to pull myself up, and move on. Being happy and positive, that's my agenda. Being really happy, that's my target. Because being really happy, i'm real. I don't need to hide or mask my emotions.

Being really happy, makes me happy.

Thank you guys, for going through this with me.

Eileen
xoxo